So this was supposed to be a fantastic weekend. I had Thursday through Monday off from work so I could go to an award luncheon and then go to Nashville with Stacy. She was going to participate in the Country Music Half Marathon. We were going to go sightseeing on the way down to Nashville and see a two story outhouse, the world’s only hippie memorial and the statue of Superman in Metropolis, Illinois. We were going to sleep in a wigwam on the way back from Nashville. Stacy was going to meet her friend from high school in Louisville and go watch Avenue Q. I was going to hang out with Mitch Page, Rollin Hard, Brent Blades and Nick Maniwa at Hoops and watch the NFL Draft, Cubs game and just hang out with friends that I don’t get to see hardly at all anymore. So that was the weekend that we were SUPPOSED to have.

Here is the weekend that we DID have.

I found out at work on Wednesday that it wasn’t a typo on the invitation fax for the luncheon. I was hoping that the “Hamada” in Tinley Park was supposed to say the “Ramada” in Tinley Park. Alas, it was indeed the “Hamada.” What is the Hamada you ask? It is a Japanese restaurant. I don’t eat Japanese food. I don’t even want to look at Japanese food. I don’t even want to be in the same vicinity as sushi. I require my food to be cooked. I require my food to be hamburger/ground beef/steak. There was no gift card like for employee of the month. There was no certificate or award to hang on the wall. There was just a meal at a sushi place. Talk about a worthless ass award for me to get. I decided that I wasn’t going to drive over an hour there and over an hour back with gas being $3.64 a gallon so I could sit at a table and drink Diet Coke and not talk to anyone because I didn’t know anyone. I can stay home and drink Diet Coke for free and actually have food that I would eat and not talk to my grandma. So that worked out much better for me but the weekend gets worse than horrible food.

Stacy injured herself on Wednesday. It left her lying in bed all day on Thursday in great pain unable to stand, walk or sit.

I commandeered my grandma’s car on Friday morning after she got back from visiting her sister in the nursing home and headed for DeKalb.

Stacy was still in bad shape on Friday but was feeling slightly better. She was actually able to sit at the table and eat some Subway for about a half hour before her leg spasms and whatnot became too much and she had to lay back down. We knew that the half marathon and going down to Nashville was out of the question but we still had a sliver of hope that she would recover enough to go to Louisville for the musical and so that I could hang out with Mitch, Rollin’, Brent and Maniwa.

That is when she got much worse. She couldn’t even take me throwing off the balance of the temper pedic bed so I had to go and try to sleep out in the living room in the recliner. I pretty much was awake at 5 am and stayed that way. I watched plenty of predraft coverage on ESPN and sent out apology messages to everyone to let them know that I would not be making it down to Louisville.

I did watch the NFL Draft almost in its entirety on Saturday and I will now talk about the Bears picks for a moment. Of course, the draft can’t be judged correctly yet because the players have not played a single down in the NFL yet. That being said, I am very upset that they didn’t pick Brian Brohm in the second round. I’m even more upset that he ended up going to Green Bay. In ten years, I fear that he will have dominated the Bears much in the same fashion as Brett Favre did. The running back that the Bears picked up in round two I feel would have been on the board in the third round when they picked. I think Angelo picked him way too early just as he did with that midget from NIU last year Garret Wolfe. Why pick Wolfe in the third round when he would have been there in the 5th round? Anyway, I am happy with the fact that they do have someone that can lead the way to the release of that sand in the vagina pussy Cedric Benson. Send him packing ASAP. You can ask around and find out that I despised Benson the moment he was drafted and knew that he would be a bust. He never performed in the big games and fumbled all the time in college so why would he be a superman in the NFL? We’ll see how Brohm does and see if he is better than Rex and Kyle. It would be hard to be worse but anything is possible. Ok…enough about the NFL draft…back to the weekend.

Sunday, Stacy was even worse. She couldn’t sit down and eat anymore. She couldn’t hardly even walk into the bathroom. I was running to the grocery store and Subway and looking out for her but I’m not a very good nurse. I decided to stay an extra night and try to get her into a doctor on Monday before leaving so I can prepare to go back to work on Tuesday.

Monday rolls around and she is the worst that she has been since I got there on Friday. She called around trying to get into a doctor and the earliest anyone would see her was in 8 days. Great doctors. So the only option is the emergency room. She doesn’t want to go. I refuse to leave until she agrees to go. She can’t walk to the living room let alone out to the car so I tell her the only option is calling for an ambulance. I had to employ some Eric Cartman “tough love” like he does to Mr. Kitty. The tone wasn’t pleasant and the words weren’t nice but I finally won the showdown and she finally was capable of walking to the elevator. She rode the elevator down to the lobby of her building.

She then got onto all fours and was stretched across the bench by the door while I went to get the car. Some old lady from the building came over and asked what was wrong with her. The old lady then offered to massage Stacy’s ass to get it to feel better. Like I hadn’t thought of rubbing her ass in the previous 4 days!!!!!!!!!! Stacy said “my ride’s here but thanks for the offer” and limps all hunched over to the car and falls into the backseat on all fours like a dog. If it wasn’t snowing like crazy, I would have put the window down so she could have completed the look and stuck her head out the window.

Yes I said snowing. On April 28th. F’n ridiculous.

Here is proof of what I say.

Yes that was a van parked in the parking lot at the hospital TODAY…APRIL 28th. Fck you Al Gore and your “Global Warming” bullshit. Try Global Colding and I might believe you. If the polar bears are dying…send them to Illinois because this winter has SUCKED. Anywho…

I get Stacy into the emergency room after she cussed the nurse for trying to bring out the wheelchair: “I can’t f*cking sit down” My lady is pleasant when she isn’t feeling well ;-p

So the nurse calls her into Triage and starts asking questions and asks for emergency contact information. Stacy says “This dude” and so the nurse asks for my name, address and phone number. She then asks for my relationship to Stacy and Stacy responds with “my last sexual conquest.” The nurse didn’t exactly know how to respond to that so Stacy said “was that too much information?” I think it was.

So the doctor comes in finally and asks what is going on. Stacy tells him what happened and what has been going on. The doctor grabs her leg and says “I’m going to lift your leg…don’t you do any of the lifting…I’ll do it.” He lifts the leg and Stacy tries lifting with him and starts screaming and then says “you may be cute but I will hit you if you do that again.” The doctor said “you aren’t listening to me…stop trying to lift and it won’t hurt.” It’s a good thing that he didn’t comment on Stacy calling him cute. If he would have responded with something like “you are cute too” then he would have been curbstomped into oblivion by me. So he tells Stacy that she probably has pinched her sciatic nerve and prescribes viccodin and a muscle relaxer and tells her to stay off her feet for a couple more days and if the pain doesn’t subside…come back or get to a regular doctor. I’ve told Stacy that if she goes back to the ER…I’ll become suspicious!

So I got Stacy back to the apartment and got food and relocated everything from phone chargers, bluetooth chargers, computer chargers, computers, drinks, prescriptions etc to within arm reach of her bed. I think she’s been sleeping pretty much since I left with all the drugs running through her.

Hopefully she recovers by this weekend because Sunday night we are supposed to go to Peoria to watch Jeff Dunham. Fingers are crossed.

I have IWA this weekend as well and I’m really looking forward to Friday’s show. I think I’ll be doing commentary with Ben Jordan this weekend but I never know what I’ll end up doing until the show starts anyway.

I guess that is all.

Good day.