What a morning

This morning will be one that won’t soon be forgotten by me. My grandma and I got into a helluva argument and she loaded some stuff up into her van and left. I don’t know whether she went to a hotel or to my aunt’s house. My Aunt Faye was trying to convince her to go to her house. I have to call my aunt later today when everyone has cooled down and figure out what will happen next.

I just got tired of listening to my grandma complain about everything and basically trying to run my life when I’m almost thirty years old. It was not a pretty scene with me cussing at my grandma and then it happened. The final nail in the coffin for the inner Jim. My grandma told me that if my mom and dad were alive to see what I’ve become that they would kick me to the curb.

I’ve been dying on the inside for probably about 5-6 months now. It was agonizing and torturous as I slowly bled to death from the initial wound. That statement finalized the murder. Even though it was said to me almost four hours ago now, it is still ringing in my ears and making my blood run cold.

I’m sure that eventually I will work things out with my grandma but I know that I can never take back the things that I said to her and she can never take back that comment so it will never be the same. I am just tired of life. I’m tired of the failure. I’m tired of the rejection. I’m tired of being a disappointment.

I’m just at a loss for words at the present moment. I have no idea when I am going to call my aunt. I just know that I am in no mood to be diplomatic right now. I have always tried to make my grandma happy and not be a problem for her. I need to start living for me. I need to try to make myself happy for a change because the events of the last couple months with my blowups are telling me that I can’t hold in any more depression and unhappiness.

I have to try to take a nap or something to calm down. Until next time…






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